Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Russian Exit

In my REM shutter projection of mind movie, I was leaving my family in Russia to return to the USA, so that I might find them a safe exit. Politically turmoil was surrounding us, outside the mote of our estate. The mote was an expansive lake, calm still waters, and an ever extendable bridge, collapsable. The width of this pool allowed more options for a secretive departure, so I was not neccessarily worried but was exhilerated. In my dream I spent much time packing. That seemed to be the most difficult aspect of this expedition. Which would be the best bag? I had many miles to travel by foot so I needed as little baggage as possible but would have to survive out of this bag for quite some time as I did not neccessarily expect the Russian wilderness to be prosperous. This is where I left off in my dream. My bags were not packed yet and the last thing I remember is spying on the enemy across the water way through heavy duty binoculars. They were smoking cigarettes and adjusting their ushankas. Waiting for us to show our faces so they might display their dissidence.

Upon waking, I looked up what is going on in the world of Russia so that I may see if their is any corresponding universal agitation that may have bled into the scenario above in my dreams. Of course I found nothing clear and direct, although one seemed to resonate. There was an article on ( and part of the article touched upon the immense anger felt toward the "oligarchs" by the "people" who feel that their wealth was stolen and privatized from them during the turmoil of the 1990s. Looking back at my dream, I was clearly living in wealth and surrounding me was anger indeed. I am rushed with curiosity as to why I had this dream, this cerebral reflection on class struggle. I come from a middle class family, and currently I do not live close to extravagance by any means. Any dining spluring of mine is thrown on the credit card to be paid off slowly, meaning only more debt, the furthest thing from garnering wealth. So why in this dream was I singled out as perpatrator of class conflict, as an enemy of the people? Perhaps I have festering feelings of guilt, from my job, where I was pretty high up for some time until I put in an advanced notice of resignation. Before this decision of mine, many among the staff looked to as though I were the right hand man of the company, and could sway the big boss's decision with great influence. The sad aspect was that no matter how hard I tried to get a good worker a raise, a monetary bump for them never popped, and this especially felt roadblocked as the economy worsened in the fall. I'm sure I was seen by many who did not see their income increase as the kink in the chain that did not follow through for them, that in a two-faced diplomacy made promises then forgot about them. Yes, there were some that talked to me, in which I said I would see what I could do, then as the peak season consumes my scattered energies, I did forget about them, I admit. However there were key people that I pushed for that were met with rejection at the financial request. I guess perhaps I have not atoned the fact that I really did not have the influence that people thought I did, and in turn I believed I had, but still I remain as the figurehead in the field that let them down. I apologize for what I seemed to be and for trying to play that role with precision, for the hope I led on, and for the hope I ultimately did not fight for.

1 comment:

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Hey. Read your book last night. Good stuff!

Don't have any regrets. At the end of the day, you got through a few years in that place without killing anyone, and I have to applaud that.

Be sure to come by and comment on my blog, mister, and not just to read your book review!